Life

Inclusion: The Foundation

Posted on by Seniye Groff

I am working with a new client on bolstering their inclusion practices with employees and clients. In the most basic form, inclusion is defined as “the act of including” by Merriam Webster. But we all know it is a lot more than that. In fact, all people want to feel included, valued and appreciated…or at least I know for sure that I do! So how do you create an environment where folks feel a sense of belonging, feel heard and feel safe to express their authentic selves?

First, accept that we all have bias. One of the ways to work through our bias is to talk about it. Many DEIB programs hit walls when they focused on blaming and shaming. Blaming and shaming never work, especially when you are asking someone to be open-minded to others that are different from them. Being bold enough to tackle these tough conversations is difficult since you don’t want to be called a racist, you don’t want to be misunderstood, you don’t want to offend someone and you certainly don’t relish is discomfort!

So what can you do to be more inclusive? I like this video on making assumptions and the framework is offers to Pause/Recognize/Question so that you are not misled by your assumptions (bias). Ask yourself, “What assumptions am I making?” and “How do I know these assumptions are true?”

Another tactic is to acknowledge your own preconceived ideas, move beyond generalizations and know the difference between perspective and reality. In other words:

•What messages have I received in my life that may influence my perspectives?

•What identity groups do I have the most exposure to?

•What identity groups do I have the least exposure to?

•How can I check for blind spots?

Other things you can do are expose yourself to new experiences, talk to people with different identities from your own and broaden your worldview. I love it when I talk to someone and I can say, “I never thought of that perspective or view before.” and “Wow, that’s a whole new way of looking at…” I think the American Negotiation Institute’s guiding principle says it best: “The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations.”

What have you done to address your blind spots?

This Chair Rocks by Ashton Applewhite

Posted on by Seniye Groff

I challenge you to flip the script and believe that you are not OLD, instead you are experienced!  Ageism is stereotyping and discrimination on the basis of a person’s age. Influenced by social movements that were challenging racism and sexism, Dr. Robert Butler coined the word “ageism” in 1968. It is the last socially sanctioned prejudice.  With age comes experience; with youth comes experience.  Both are valuable.

We experience ageism any time someone assumes that we’re “too old” for something—a task, a haircut, a relationship—instead of finding out who we are and what we’re capable of. Or “too young;” ageism cuts both ways, although in a youth-oriented society older people bear the brunt of it.

Like racism and sexism, discrimination on the basis of age serves a social and economic purpose: to legitimize and sustain inequalities between groups. It’s not about how we look. It’s about how people in power assign meaning to how we look.

Stereotyping—the assumption that all members of a group are the same—underlies ageism (as it does all “isms”). Stereotyping is always a mistake, but especially when it comes to age, because the older we get, the more different from one another we become.

No one is born prejudiced, but attitudes about age—as well as race and gender—start to form in early childhood. Over a lifetime they harden into a set of truths: “just the way it is.” Unless we challenge ageist stereotypes—Old people are incompetent. Wrinkles are ugly. It’s sad to be old— we feel shame and embarrassment instead of taking pride in the accomplishment of aging. That’s internalized ageism.

Unless we confront the ageism in and around us, we lay the foundation for our own irrelevance and marginalization. The critical starting point is to acknowledge our own prejudices, because change requires awareness.

Working together we can:

  • Challenge ageism – in ourselves, social practices, policies, and institutions.
  • Create new language and models that embrace the full life journey.
  • Create new paradigms in society so that adults can participate fully consistent with their capabilities and ambitions at all stages of life.
  • Celebrate the contributions of older adults.
  • Create a more compassionate and interdependent society that supports the well-being of people of all ages.
  • Inspire and help develop cross-generational communities where people of all ages enjoy the gifts and capacities they have to offer.

Read Applewhite’s book to learn more.

The Reset Button

Posted on by Seniye Groff

For the last six years I have been planning my “reset”. I moved a lot growing up and landed in Portland 30 years ago to take a promotion with Nike. Portland has been a fabulous place to “grow up” but I am ready for a change. The surprising thing is how to figure out where to go next. I created a spreadsheet with my seven most important criteria.

  • Accessible airport with lots of direct flights
  • Good climate
  • Available healthcare
  • Livability (cultural events, diversity)
  • Affordability (taxes, housing prices, living expenses)
  • Vibe (welcoming of outsiders, newcomers)
  • Safety and crime stats.

As I have visited locales and added places to assess, I have returned to my list of criteria over an over again. For example, when considering climate I have come to believe there is no “one” ideal place and perhaps two locations (a summer and a winter one) is more ideal. As far as affordability, what income is taxed and prevailing estate taxes are becoming more important but certainly not a deciding factor.

While looking at new, potential locations, I have also been working on my current location…getting my house ready to sell. I have been paring down my belongings and doing some maintenance on my house so that I am not left with a bunch to do at the eleventh hour.

Another consideration is my dog, Pete. I am not sure how easy it will be to travel with him. Ideally, I would like to travel oversees for a while and then determine my landing spot back in the U.S. There is a wealth of information and online groups on the web.

So my question to you: Where would you go if you were hitting the reset button?  Please add your ideas to the comments.  #makelifehappen 

Happy 2025!

Posted on by Seniye Groff

Almost everyone I know loves New Years Eve. Who couldn’t love the opportunity to hit the reset button?! And after some years, the reset button is a welcome reprieve. I suggest pausing for a moment, though, to consider the following:

  • What worked in the previous year that you should consider repeating?
  • What definitely didn’t work and so stopping immediately is wise?
  • What could be tweaked to get even better results?
  • What was too easy and therefore doing you no good?
  • What do you want to get better at, even if it is scary?
  • What did you learn? Both positive and negative.
  • How do you want to take care of yourself and others?

I am sure there are a million other questions I didn’t even think of, so what are your additions? Let me know.

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

Posted on by Seniye Groff

I recently finished reading Haidt’s, “The Anxious Generation”. I was curious about this book as I have struggled to help my teenager with their depression. I am fascinated how their older sister (six years apart) had such a different experience in her teenage years than my younger child. Haidt makes some compelling arguments supported with a ton of data and research. The book’s website also offers additional data and research.

Haidt gives some reasons for depression including:

  • Genes-predisposed to depression
  • Thought patterns (can be learned and unlearned)
  • Social and environmental conditions

But he contends that the biggest difference is how society is focused on a “phone-based childhood vs play- based childhood”. Essentially playing outside and with friends has been replaced with the virtual world. I have definitely seen this difference between my two kids. Another dramatic difference is how parents are overprotective in real life and under protected online.

Haidt explains that the prevailing wisdom of parents today is that kids need to be supervised constantly and parents should not let their kids roam independently like we did when we were children. There is no longer the mantra of “come home when it gets dark.” And laws are even in place to report parents that are seemingly being irresponsible by allowing their kids some freedom. Essentially we have created so many guardrails kids do not experience any hardship or failure which in turn prevents them from developing resilience and grit.

Our phone-based culture has created four harms:

  • #1: Social deprivation -kids are connected to everyone in the world and disconnected from the people around them.
  • #2: Sleep deprivation-there has been tons of research on how our devices disrupt our sleeping patterns.
  • #3: Attention fragmentation-notifications and disruptions happen constantly which leaves us with about five minutes to focus on any task or though before we are interrupted once again.
  • #4: Addiction- “The smartphone is the modern-day hypodermic needle delivering digital dopamine 24/7 for the wired generation”.

This book, its message and all the thorough research really resonated with me. I do agree with Haidt that if we as a society do not address the negative effects of social media and the virtual world, we will create a very different, fragmented world that what we have enjoyed thus far. Certainly putting down the phones, getting out in nature and making more time for real play for our kids can make a difference if we all lean in and make it happen.

What’s Your Defining Moment of 2023?

Posted on by Seniye Groff

It’s difficult to believe that 2023 is coming to a close. I feel, like many I am sure, that I was just celebrating New Years Eve yesterday! 2023 has been a pretty good year, especially compared to last several years of craziness! I had six new clients this year and two ongoing clients. I created a DEI practitioners group, delivered three industry presentations and provided yearlong mentoring to several women. I also took on volunteering weekly teaching English to local refugees and immigrant newcomers. Teaching ESL has been more challenging than I originally envisioned but it’s certainly rewarding work to see someone so motivated to improve their circumstances through learning English.

As we end this year, I think its important to pause and think about what 2023 meant to us personally and what we hope for 2024. The beginning of a new year allows us to start fresh, which can be invigorating. I write down my goals for 2024 (both work and personal) and also a bucket list for the year, too. Writing things down for me makes the goals and desires tangible. And who doesn’t love crossing something off a list??!! I also go through my calendar week-by-week to see all I really accomplished. And since I use IG as an online journal, I revisit all my posts to relive the year in pictures!

So goodbye 2023 and HELLO 2024. I wish everyone a healthy and happy 2024.  What will be your defining moment for 2024? Plan now and make it happen!

Share in the comments what you do to close out one year and welcome the next.

“The Wake Up” Part Two

Posted on by Seniye Groff

Reading “The Wake Up” by Michelle Mijung Kim has been powerful and informative. She shares so much great information. Her comment, “Many of us desire to have good impacts, but sometimes even our best intentions can bring unintended consequences of harm.” This results in fear to do or say anything but then harm is also caused by inaction.

Kim suggests a few things to do when you get called out for being harmful:

  • Listen and calm your defenses.
  • Apologize and acknowledge the harm.
  • Express gratitude for the feedback.
  • Make amends without expecting forgiveness.
  • Commit to doing better and then actually do better.
  • Get support for yourself.

“The Wake Up’ by Michelle Mijung Kim

Posted on by Seniye Groff

I believe it is important to constantly continue to learn. And I love learning new things to to help me consider other points of view. So, I was definitely intrigued to read Kim’s book. She is a queer, immigrant Korean American woman writer and like every other person in this world, she has a unique perspective. This perspective informs her work in the DEI space. The premise of this book is good intentions vs. real change, which also is challenge in the DEI space.

Some things that I liked from this book:

  • Her definition of allyship. She states that it is, “the active and consistent practice of using power and privilege to achieve equity, inclusion and justice while holding ourselves accountable to marginalized people’s needs.
  • I agree with her comment that good intentions produce unwanted outcomes all the time. “Doing good” is not the end game. Validation must come from the group that is marginalized. They decide what doing good really means. For example, ” By failing to set accountability metrics that are driven by the very people such initiatives have been created to support, companies end up solving nothing and doing no good.”
  • Kim’s distinction of do-gooders vs each of us owning that we “each play a critical role in upholding and dismantling systemic oppressions that ultimately impact all of us.” Who does your “why” serve? Yourself? Or historically marginalized people?
  • We need to understand they ways in which we are harmed by or benefitting from different systems of oppression. We all benefit from some and cause harm in other ways. And the belief that everyone has the opportunity to succeed through hard work and their own skills is a myth. The folks that hold the power, access and resources while not acknowledging the barriers marginalized people face, have enjoyed success, believing they earned (and deserve) their success.
  • I think about the Afghan man that I am teaching English to and how motivated he is to learn so that he can improve his opportunities. Someone that already speaks English clearly has advantages over this immigrant. This is a simple example but shows how inequities begin and stay in place.
  • White supremacy exists in every system we have in place: work, healthcare, criminal justice system, real estate, the interviewing and hiring process…the list goes on and on. “Racism is a complex set of systems, policies and beliefs that reinforce the marginalization of people while privileging white people in society.”

Kim lists a few questions to help guide us:

  • Who has the power?
  • How is the power being used?
  • Who benefits?
  • Who is harmed?
  • What historical, social, cultural or political context might I be missing?

There is so much to this book, I am going to write multiple posts about it!

This Year is Flying By!

Posted on by Seniye Groff

Fall is here, hence the pumpkin-flavored everything all around us! So as the year is coming to a close with only three full months left, now is a great time to look backward and forward.

Some things to consider:

  • What do you still want to accomplish before year end?
  • What is reasonable to accomplish by year end?
  • What would be most valuable to accomplish by year end?
  • What have I already accomplished that will set me up for success in the new year?
  • What should I repeat next year?
  • What do I still need to accomplish, learn or get rid of?

What other things should you consider to close out this year and begin the next year?