We’ve all worked with them-the direct, sometimes even harsh, communicator. The hairs on the back of your neck stand erect, every time you think about walking into their office to share information, ask a question or give a status update. And although it is difficult to not take it personally, there are some specific strategies you can take to make the communication, and the relationship, an effective one.
It’s Not About You
The first thing to understand is that the direct, harsh communicator in your workplace is not directing their communication style just at you. Direct communication is a style of communication, which according to Myers Briggs, is one of the three styles: Aggressive, Passive and Assertive. (http://www.au.af.mil/au/awc/awcgate/sba/comm_style.htm). Typically, a direct communicator is all about the task at hand. They see something that needs to get done and their incredible sense of urgency is focused on that only—not the people-side of the task, but just getting the task taken care of. This sense of urgency is coupled with their need for speed. In other words, they see a task, want it taken care of immediately and feel compelled to address it quickly and efficiently which means directly, and sometimes, even harshly. So really it is not about you, the receiver, it is about getting the task off the “to do” list.
The Mindset
Another item to consider is the intercultural norms and rules in your organization. Culture simply refers to “the way we do things around here”. Does the culture of your workplace value the direct communication style? Is it all about the task first and people second? Does your workplace focus on crucial, life-dependent issues that require quick, rapid-fire communication? Once you consider the culture and norms of your workplace, it will give you a better understanding of why the direct communicator communicates the way that they do, so don’t be offended, instead ask, “How can I help?”
The Approach
The preparation for communicating with the direct, harsh communicator is to formulate ahead of time with a single sentence headline. For example, “We have to get an answer on the budget by Friday.” Then break down any further information into three buckets, “More specifically, there are three things I need.” This methodology sets the stage in a direct, matter-of-fact, task-oriented style.
The direct communicator also appreciates the niceties are kept to a minimum. Although, the initial reaction to this type of communicator, is to “kill them with kindness”, this approach will only annoy the heck out of them! So, when e-mailing, give a greeting or nicety only once-either at the beginning or end but not both. And when face-to-face, always ask, “Do you have a minute?” This allows the receiver, to stop what they are doing, and truly focus on what you have to say.
It is important, that you also stay warm and lighthearted. While definitely not easy, laugh at their insults. Try to remember, it really is nothing about you as a person, just this person’s need to get the task completed. Even though you are laughing at the insult, it does not mean you are a “second class citizen” so act and carry yourself as their peer—a confidante, an ally. There is no need to grovel but don’t be sensitive either in your response communication or your nonverbal communication. Keep it professional and the communication fact-based.
Give Feedback
If you are lucky enough to be able to give the direct, harsh communicator some feedback there are some definite tips to ensure the conversation is meaningful and helpful. Let them know that people are afraid to talk to them. Certainly, no one wants others to fear them but sometimes, someone just needs to know this tidbit of information so that they adjust their communication style. Let them know that there are some very specific behaviors they could change including smiling once in a while and waiting to respond until the other person completes their thoughts. Also, saying, “I would love to hear what you have to say first” is an effective way for the person to demonstrate that they want to listen and are open to other ideas.
Certainly an unintended consequence of direct, harsh communication is that people could be unwilling to share their ideas and comments. This unwillingness can have drastic results for an organization that must change and grow to stay competitive in today’s marketplace. Commit to letting the person know when they demonstrate the desired behavior or the offending behavior so that the communicator can catch themselves before repeating the undesired behavior.
Conclusion
At first glance, a harsh direct communicator may be your worst nightmare in the office, but with a little strategizing and some concrete actions, you can have effective dialogue with this type of communicator. Put away the emotions and the automatic reflex to react or be hurt by the harsh, direct communication and understand that the communication is a result of the need for speed and task management and not an attack on you as a person. And if you are lucky enough to be able to give feedback to this person, you might even earn some accolades in the end.
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