I recently designed and delivered a session on giving and receiving feedback.  It is truly remarkable that people cringe at the suggestion of giving feedback.  Feedback is a critical skill for success.  In sports there is constant feedback: the score, how the ball was hit, whether you returned the serve.  In business, feedback is equally as important because it allows you to stay in business, show a profit and create an environment where employees and colleagues are an asset to the business.

Even when feedback is constructive it can be difficult to hear and some people will be reluctant to agree improvement is needed.  Yet constructive feedback is a valuable “gift” to help people improve and grow.  If feedback is given with care, it is more likely to be truly heard and acted on.

If you focus the feedback on the behavior and not the person, you are likely to maintain the person’s self-esteem.  A person should not leave the feedback meeting feeling “beat up” but rather focused on the behavior that needs correction and a plan on how to correct it most effectively.

Remember the 80 / 20 rule and focus on affirming even small successes.  Give specific (behavior based) examples of the factors that contributed to the feedback.  Make sure the timing is appropriate to give and receive feedback.

For example, “Mike I just listened to your call with Mr. Jones. (Timely)  You did a nice job of listening to his complaint in its entirety and then repeating back to him what you thought his issue concerned.”  (Behavior based).

It is important to be specific.  For example, avoid saying things like, “You need to be more talkative in meetings.” It’s too ambiguous and can be interpreted in a lot of  ways.

Say something specific and positive pointed at the task you want accomplished, such as, “You’re smart. I want to hear at least one opinion from you in every meeting we’re in together going forward.”

Specific Steps for Success:

Step 1: State the constructive purpose of your feedback.

State your purpose briefly by indicating what you’d like to cover and why it’s important.

Example: “I have a concern about…”

“I feel I need to let you know…”

“I want to discuss….”

“I have some thoughts about…”

Step 2: Describe specifically what you have observed.  Focus on behavior rather than the person. Define the impact.

Have a certain event or action in mind and be able to say when and where it happened, who was involved, and what the results were. Stick to what you personally observed and don’t try to speak for others. Avoid talking vaguely about what the person “always” or “usually” does.

Avoid “You” statements

• “You did this” versus “this is what I observed”
• “You should not have done that” versus “Here’s how I think…”
• “You must be crazy” versus “it is important we talk about this”
• “I feel frustrated when you do not get your reports to me on time” versus “I feel frustrated when I do not have the reports on time for the 2:00 meeting” (shows impact of behavior)

Example: “You demonstrate a high degree of confidence when you answer customer questions about registration procedures “, versus, “Your communication skills are good.” Or “You are really great at that.”

Example: “You talked a lot during the staff meeting, which prevented me from getting to some of the main points,” rather than “You talk too much.”

Step 3: Describe your reactions. 

Explain the consequences of the other person’s behavior and how you feel about it.

Example: “The team member looked embarrassed and I felt uncomfortable about seeing the episode.” “Shouting at our team members is not acceptable behavior in this department.”

Step 4: Give the other person an opportunity to respond.

Remain silent and meet the other person’s eye, indicating that you are waiting for answer. If the person hesitates to respond, ask an open ended question.

Example: “What do you think?”

“What is your view of this situation?”

“What is your reaction to this?”

“What are your thoughts?”

Step 5: Offer specific suggestions.

Whenever possible make your suggestions helpful by including practical, feasible examples.

Example: “Alison, I sometimes write myself notes or put up signs to remind myself to do something.”

“Sara, rather than telling Matt that you’re not interested in all the details, you might try asking him specific questions about the information you are most interested in.”

Receiving Feedback

• Listen without getting hooked.  Let the person say their entire thought without interrupting them.
• Ask for clarification.  Ask for specific examples so that you know exactly what the employee is saying.
• Separate your feeling from the facts or specific behavior.  It is difficult to hear that we are not perfect.  Remember the employee is not saying you are a bad person, just that the particular behavior is not effective for them.
• Summarize what you heard.  Repeat the feedback to ensure you understood what they were saying.
• Ask for advice.  A great question to ask is “if you were me, how would you handle this situation?”
• Thank the person.  Remember, feedback is a gift.